What's in a name?

When William Shakespeare penned that insightful question over 400 years ago, he couldn’t have foreseen the number of hoops through which a person would have to jump in order to get their name changed in the year 2010. To get my name changed from “Stacey” to “Clark” financially, professionally, and militarily has required epic endurance and tenacity.

Here is my saga (so far) that began in July of this year:

1. Filled out required name change form, took it with my marriage certificate to the ID office. Was told I have to go through my clinic’s Non-Commissioned Officer in Charge (NCOIC).
2. Took form to NCOIC. Was told that he doesn’t take care of name change and I need to go to company secretary.
3. Went to company secretary. Was told that NCOIC should take care of it. I stood there, raised my eyebrow, and asked him to call the NCOIC.
4. Secretary opted to accept name change form and submit it.
5. Two weeks later…attempted to get new ID card. Was told that the central office has not changed my name and I’ll have to wait.
6. One month later…attempted to get new ID. Although the name was changed with the army in central command, it was not changed on their computer system. ID not given.
7. Called computer system. Was told that they cannot change my name without a new Army ID.
8. Went to ID office. Was told that without it changed on their computer system, I cannot get a new ID.
9. Stood there, raised my eyebrow, and called the central computer office. Offered IT people the option to get Army Command involved. Name successfully changed on computer.
10. New ID with “Michelle Stacey Clark” awarded.
11. Went back to use my computer/email. Neither system recognized “Michelle Stacey Clark” and my new ID.
12. Today…I visit hospital computer gurus. They are playing solitaire and eating Doritos. Their computer keys are permanently stained orange. Their pants do not fit. I am reminded of a “would you rather” question my sister asked me, “Would you rather have Dorito fingers or Oreo mouth for the rest of your life?” I am now forced to re-evaluate my answer.
13. Explain problem, request solution.
14. The three of them clarify for me that their only job is to reset passwords. They give me an email to write to request solution.
15. Unable to send email. Computer and email system do not recognize new name but old one is no longer in service.
16. Bang head against wall.
17. Repeat #16

Later, I was looking at images online to use for a handout during my Young Women’s lesson and came across this:

I imagine that some little town had one name, and then the citizens decided to change it to another and submitted paperwork to some government agency that requested that they send it to another government agency and so on until they finally gave up. I, however, will not give up. The end of Shakespeare’s quote is that “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Maybe so, but I love my new last name and the fact that I’ve had to fight to hard to get it changed just makes it that much more precious to me.

Besides, if I discover a disease, “Clark’s syndrome” sounds a lot better than “Stacey’s syndrome.”